There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
