I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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