I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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