My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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