this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
