I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
