It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
