my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
