You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
