I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
