I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
