Quick, to the slutcave!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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