how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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