Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
