have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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