im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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