If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
