she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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