I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
