You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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