Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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