I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
