Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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