How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
