Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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