dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
