ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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