dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
