Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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