I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
