I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
