My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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