It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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