I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
