woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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