The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
