i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
