take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
