oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
