see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
