walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
