so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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