I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
