No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
