i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
