Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
