I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
