Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
