Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
