Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
