dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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