did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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