So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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